And he said to me so carefully but so honestly; he had felt like he wasn’t able to celebrate the incredible miracle we had been granted and it was my fault…

Talk about when you really see something, it’s nearly impossible to unsee no matter how hard you try.

Let me backtrack, yaddy yaddy yadda Stage 4 Lung Cancer…diagnosed last year…but because of genetic testing I was a candidate for treatment of my cancer through oral medication.  So I take these small little pills at around the same time each day.  Amongst the different side effects I experience, I had become obsessed, like OB-SSSESSSED with my weight gain.  I knew it was coming, I was told off the hop that this medication was known to cause severe weight gain.  A year later, you would think I have solely been taking a weight gain pill, because despite all of my best efforts; 10-14k steps a day, eating low carb, working out 5x a week; I’ve gained 30lbs since starting my treatment.  Soooooo nevermind cancer, WTF about this weight?!? I still don’t quite understand the mechanism of which these meds are impacting this drastic increase in my body fat.  My bestfriend ChatGPT suggests hormonal disruption, metabolic disruption, a change in the way my body processes fat, fluid retention….whatever it is, it literally feels like I have been walking past magic house clown mirrors in my house. I had been feeling unrecognizable, super discouraged and super down about it.

This weight gain had been consuming probably 80% of my thoughts and 90% of my energy, worrying about it, hating it, strategizing what to do with it – buying new clothes, hating my body and falling deeper and deeper down that rabbit hole. Until I met with my energy lady last week.  When we talked about my weight, she questioned me so gently and without judgment and it really got me thinking that drive home.  She asked, what is attached to the weight?  Why is it so important to me?  HUH, good question!  Why IS it so important to me?!?!  While I drove home from my appointment, I imagined my loved ones in my same position and how I would feel for them from the outside looking in.  I imagined my Mom or Dad needing to take life giving medication that was physically turning their skin purple, and I could hear and imagine their disdain and resistance to turning purple; and I bawled while driving home that night, imagining them caring about something so trivial, while I was over the moon about being able to still keep them close to me, alive…

HUH EPIPHANY!

How sad for me that instead of recognizing the deep breaths I’ve been able to take again into my lungs, I was busy examining my belly or the fullness of my cheeks. How sad for me that my absolute worst nightmare was gaining weight uncontrollably, not uncontrolled cancer.

This obsession informs the hollowness of my values and the height of my pride.  It speaks to the way in which I’ve managed myself and how I’ve operated, for as long as I can remember.  It highlights what I thought I needed, to be successful and desirable.  It’s what I thought spoke for me, performed for me, protected me, and elevated me.  It was an illusion.  It was an old me still dancing like a bear at a circus, standing uncomfortably on hind legs trying to do the jig in a tight skirt straining to hear the circus trainer blow whistle cues to me.

So after coming home that night from seeing my energy lady, I shared my cathartic drive home with my husband and that’s when he shared his truth with me,  “I don’t feel like we celebrate this miracle because it feels like something is missing”…and it was on me, it was my fault.  I had created that deficit!! I had made it feel like surviving past the typical 8-10 prognosis for stage IV cancer patients wasn’t enough; I wanted more; I wanted to stay myself despite all of myself changing.

Omgsh, am I really going to miss this opportunity of rebuilding myself with new values and new eyes?  Is there something that would otherwise keep me trapped in my old ways of being, recycling my old habits and patterns of insecurities and counterfeit confidence?  Is there anything prohibiting me from creating or adopting new paradigms and values? Aren’t I in total freedom to pivot and choose? How in the world have I been wasting this precious time resisting these things out of my control and not simply choosing to care about something different instead?  Who knows, maybe it’s all been a part of my grieving process, and maybe this piece of acceptance is just my next step.

I had started this blog back in 2012 after an old friend of mine who hadn’t seen me in years, told me I had gotten “chubby” – all that to posting a progress pic on facebook at the end of 2022 feeling amazing and top of my game…to today.  But the truth is, when I actually temperature gauge myself today, I am not the same girl I was pre-cancer; so much feels different.  I feel like my emotional regulation, my resiliency, my capacity and my desire to please have all changed dramatically. <3

I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate to have access to amazing resources to continue supporting my body, spirit and treatment.  I have a resilient and incredibly supportive partner (thank God for you J), a very sweet dog and the best of friends and family. My cozy world is so comforting to me.

So I’ll try to pivot.  I’m sure it’ll be clunky at first, it’s certainly not intuitive.  But I know that while aesthetics matter, they are only a fraction of my identity, individuality and value.   So sure, maybe for the first while I’ll keep staring at my belly every time I pass a mirror – but it’ll come.

Be well belly, and be full cheeks; seeing you can remind me of how much we have to celebrate, and hopefully it’s finally time for us to do just that. <3