October 16, 2012

It dawns on me last night, that I have acquired ways of keeping myself chubby.

I’ve unintentionally morphed chubby choices into really bad engrained habits and ways of being.   But unbeknownst to me, these choices keep me on the hamster wheel week to week and create my “New Years resolutions” every Monday.  I say unbeknownst because these damn choices have come to feel so natural, comfortable and second nature for me that I stopped seeing them as a problem or out of the ordinary.

Hmmmm, funny how chubby choices sneak up on us and slip a pill in our drink while we’re not looking, so that we barely notice when they become a part of our regular routine.  It’s probably like developing any habit, practice it long enough and ACK one day you default into these behaviours without even a second thought.  Being chubby just happens for me now.  What are some of the chubby choices I’ve made that have turned into my chubby habits?

The Keg, Chiantis, Stephanies, Yannis, Julios Barrio, Red Robins to name but a few.  I mean what’s dating without dates?  And what is a typical date?  Dinner!  When Jason and I were first getting together we spent a lot of time getting to know each other over good food and glasses of wine. I probably started with healthier choices back in our early days (I mean isn’t rule #1 of dating never to order wings on a first date??) So I probably femininely chose healthier options like salads and lean meats (I was dating a fitness trainer for Gosh sake!).  But sure enough, somewhere down the line, a side salad turned into a shared platter of fried calamari, wings and other deep fried delectables that have left imprints on my thighs.  The chubby choice of eating out created a default habit of eating out waaaay to much.

(Yawn and a big stretch)  Sorry, I’m sooooo tired.  It’s about that time of the afternoon where I’ve HIT THE WALL AGAIN.  What was I saying?  Oh ya, my next chubby choice, going to bed too late!

But I mean, who can sleep with the excitement of new love?  Come on, the sun’s shining brighter, the birds are chirping, and I’m on top of the world even if I’ve only slept 4-6 hours! Dating Jason in those beginning days, given his very busy schedule was like dating a whirlwind of constant activity.  Meshing our two schedules made for late nights and vampire ways of being.  And sure, that was all fun and games until sleeplessness morphed into a bad habit.  My once usual practice of sleeping 8 hours a night has now turned into a once in a blue moon miracle.  I use to wind down my evenings early with a good book and be sleeping by 9p.  Now a days, I’ve blindly filled the later hours of my evenings with more errands and an endless list of things to do (and I don’t even have kids yet!!)

***Sleeping less totally makes me feel less motivated and more susceptible to bad food choices….who am I kidding, I mean BINGE sessions.

***Waking up tired in the mornings makes putting off workouts inevitable.

***Not working out makes eating out justifiable, because of the mentality that “I’m already off today, I’ll just start better tomorrow”.

***Committing to tomorrow makes today a day that doesn’t actually count.

So in this “free” unaccountable day I will eat all I want, savour everything I could possibly crave on the expectation that I won’t be having it for a long time to come – Dad? You need me to come over?  Be there soon.  Oh wait, I’ll need to come back and do laundry – gotta walk the dog – crap I need to get more gas – thank God I’ve pvr’d my show tonight, I can’t wait to watch it when I get home – yup, another late night – Lo and behold the next morning I’m tired again, oops, I forgot to meal plan and get groceries – oh well, maybe I’ll just have to commit to another tomorrow and enjoy just one last free day….


WAIT A MINUTE, these chubby choices become my new chubby brown girl way of being…..

I remember when I use to sleep well, eat out less and find any hour in the day to workout. I use to make healthier choices that use to set me up for success.  I realize now that it’s time to break these bad ways of being; stop the familiar patterns that my chubby choices spawned.

Hmmm, I think I’m getting somewhere here.

What matters isn’t tomorrow, but today.  Waiting for tomorrow is like banking borrowed time, like living glamorously on credit, like foolishly waiting for someone to make a move without making one myself….

The illusion of promising myself a tomorrow and throwing away today is no different than the junkie that needs one last hit or the smoker that is only going to buy one last pack…the abuser who apologizes just one last time and the abused giving that one last chance.  The commitment to tomorrow is only an illusion.  If I don’t care today I won’t care tomorrow. If I choose bad today, I will suffer tomorrow.  The only thing that matters for tomorrow is my today.

I feel an AHA coming on…..

 “You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look to another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this” Henry David Thoreau

 “Life is a series of choices that are made in the present moment” Darren Main

 My past chubby choices have turned into my habits of today which I keep thinking I’ll fix tomorrow….but the illusive tomorrow never happens the way I think it’s going to….no wonder!  Let me stop, take a minute and really take this in, what am I choosing today?



5 Responses

  1. I just love reading these! you have a true gift…

  2. The one part of your story that stood out like a sore thumb whether you wanted it to or not or whether it stood out to just me….was that you fell in love and nothing else mattered. Great blog and fantastic that you would share this! I will spend much more time here.

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