Monday August 20, 2012
Ever have an emotional hangover coupled with a food overdose? This is me this morning. I’m shaking off the fog, after coming off a semi high school reunion over the weekend, in which everyone looked exactly the same as almost twenty years ago, less myself who unusually was the only person who has let themselves go on any level….who one of the attendees so keenly acknowledged with an out loud “you got chubby”…This followed by three days of emotional eating, self pity, frustration, anger, ego over compensation then ego collapse, here I am, Monday morning recommitting to new goals and resolutions….Happy New Years! I wonder if I can own it? Whenever anyone mentions weight, a part of me secretly hopes they guesstimate me twenty pounds lighter than I actually am. Sadly, a guy at work actually did that. I don’t remember what we were talking about but he referred to my weight (well my pretend ideal weight, 120lbs) as if he were bang on, and instead of correcting him I secretly rejoiced and celebrated the seductive illusion of empire waist/baby doll tops. I never tell anyone my actual weight. When I went in for my annual physical a couple of weeks ago, I think I actually gave the nurse a dirty look when she weighed me and repeated my weight OUTLOUD prior to recording it into my chart. Uh hellloooo, a little privacy anyone? As if her saying it outloud was the actual offense, as if George calling me out over the weekend is the real problem….sigh…..it’s obviously me.
I doubt concealing my weight (better than a CIA agent conceals classified information) truly serves me. Maybe it is some subconscious form of denial. A masquerade if you will. If I don’t say it, they won’t actually see it…..well, this weekend proves otherwise. So I think today, I may try and own it. Maybe if I wear it, I’ll be the one to actually see it, and maybe in actually seeing it, will I be able to transform it. (Note that I purposely did not use the word “change” it, because really the claim that people “never change” will just be another justification I end up using down the road for why I never lost the weight…..)
Okay, (big breath in), this morning I am 147.2lbs. I am twenty pounds heavier than I would like to be, then I use to be. Use to be was just last March 2011 when I went to Jamaica for my best friend’s wedding. I actually wore a bikini, comfortably! I’m not sure what’s happened from then to now to justify the weight, other than me saying, I found a man, got engaged and am now fat and happy! Which trust me, I know is a bogus response. I just let myself go. No rhyme or reason. I just did. I’ve lived my whole life skinny, fit, healthy, athletic, confident….and my past 17 months have been some hybrid form of denial, illusion and limbo. I got fat, I’m pretending I didn’t, I hope no one notices, I think that I’ll lose it when I want – but I haven’t and I feel like I can’t then it dawns on me, I got fat, I’m pretending I didn’t, I hope no one notices, I think I’ll lose it when I want….and so the cycle goes.
You know the way they say, when you get shot, your body goes into a state of shock, which allows you to stop feeling the pain? I think that desensitization is also our body’s way of allowing us to absorb numbers on a weight scale without immediately jumping off a cliff. It’s funny, I recall last December when my weight started to go up to 138lbs, and I thought to myself “wow, I better stop this eating right after the holidays” and not let myself get over 140lbs….but then I almost got use to numbers creeping up and it started to phase me less, and I started to think – wow, better not get over 150lbs! I bet this is how any girl puts on weight. The numbers keep creeping, and we become desensitized to it until one day we go to a high school reunion and someone calls out us in front of the crowd…..sigh. It’s okay, I’ve known George for over twenty years, I’m going to try really hard not to hate him. Maybe he can be that catalyst that helped me transform myself.
I think that I just really like food. I think that I really like tasty food. I think that I get lazy and in certain moods sometimes and just want to eat and eat and eat. I think Jason and I just enjoy eating out too much. I loooovvee chips and chocolate. My latest soft spot is the Billy Miner Pie at the Keg which is a yummy spin off of the Mocha Mud Pie from Maxwell Taylors that I fondly recollect from the 90’s. Five weeks ago I started the Body for Life Program. A program I used 10 years ago which helped me get down from 115 lbs to a thin 101 lbs. It’s a great program that miraculously incorporates one free binge day each week….unfortunately, I’m having a hard time enjoying just one free day a week. The lowest I’ve gotten down to on this program this time around is 145.4lbs from my highest of 149.3lbs. I’m hoping that this morning’s weight is a product of salt and not my three day free day this weekend.
Sigh, it’s all just numbers isn’t it? The battle of the numbers! One pound up, two pounds down, half a pound down, three pounds up….but this is where I’m at right now. It’s not really about health, energy, my soul, peace of mind, wholeness, balance…..it’s about the number on my weight scale. I don’t want to weigh 147.2lbs, I want to weight 125ish, hell I’d even be happy with a 130! I don’t know why I’ve put on weight, I don’t know if it’s a reflection of something deeper going on inside of me. I don’t want to dig deeper right now, I just want to start right here, right now, I want the number on the scale to be lighter.
And really, what works? I’ve carried pictures of myself around of what I use to look like, I take measurements, highlight goals….but everything succumbs to my decision of “eff it, I’ll start again tomorrow”. So I’m not sure how I’ll transform that going forward. I guess I’ll just log it and we’ll see where this goes.
My goal today will be to get some healthy groceries in line with my Body for Life Program, I want to go for a run and start fresh today. Thank God I’m on vacation, plenty of time to drink coffee this morning, reflect on this weekend and get my day started. I hope other people are in the same boat that I am and today are also celebrating this fine New Year’s Day.