I remember when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were breaking up, the term “conscious uncoupling” came to light.  Conscious Uncoupling is as it sounds; a very intentional separation, a parting amicably if you will…which is interesting to me.  The concept of intentionality, purpose and care in detangling lives is definitely a far cry from my own experiences of break ups.  I’m more familiar with haphazard and abrupt endings.  But the respect and smoother transition that could come from more of a slower and thoughtful deconstruction of a relationship sounds easier and way healthier.

Last month, my husband Jason had gone to India by himself to take care of some outstanding family matters back home. Initially, I dreaded him leaving.  I dreaded being alone after becoming so accustomed to our normal (seemingly codependent!) everyday life together.  What would his absence look and feel like?  Our daily rhythm is full of shared time together – lots of morning coffees, workouts, walks, dinners together – pink and blue jobs where we divvy up household chores – we wake and sleep together…this daily rhythm is how we know each other, how we relate to each other and live together – in essence, this rhythm is how we love each other.  What would it look like I wondered to be alone?  It had been years since I had been alone, and quite frankly, I’m usually a scaredy cat on my own. (sigh)

Well despite bawling the entire way home from the airport after dropping him off – the days that followed turned out to be a HUGE SURPRISE!  What I thought would be lonely time, actually turned into beautiful time alone.  Unexpectedly, I slept well, I ate well, I relished in the alone time to journal or contentedly putz around the house.  I freely met with friends – but most of all, I had an energy that was reminiscent of my younger years (never mind eating like a teenager again by opting for cereal or oatmeal for dinners).  I felt a renewed sense of self, freedom and energy in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time.  All of this time, I had assumed that my usual tiredness, lethargy and over eating was all just a natural product of aging.  But wow, it was pretty surreal to unexpectedly come alive again in a way I didn’t see coming AT ALL.  From 44 to 22 overnight.  It was magical.  Weird, because there was a time when I was in my twenties and thirties that I loathed being alone – silly girl.

Why was it so magical? Being alone was the immediate absence of any external stresses or pressures. There was no energy I was sitting with, other than my own.  It allowed me time to really check in with myself, in a way, I’m not normally attune to.  I was able to gauge where I’m really at, and I liked it all! I liked where I was at, what I was doing, how I was being and who I’ve become.  It was probably the first time in a long time that my own company felt like enough…it felt pretty complete.

So what does this all mean now that Jason is back home?

Now before people start to read into my marriage and begin to wonder if this post ends in an Conscious Uncoupling type of situation – rest assured it doesn’t.  The opposite is actually true, the need for conscious coupling.

It means that in our daily rhythm, we failed to continue evaluating and bettering our marriage and our life together by failing to take care of ourselves first too.  We forgot to keep track of ourselves as individuals before pouring into that rhythm of “us”.  At some point in our relationship, probably early on, between our shared responsibilities, we somehow assumed or absorbed so much of each other that we let go of ourselves in the process.  Maybe that’s what happens when people come together, but is that really the best and healthiest way to last?

Our partnership has been more than just supporting each other. Somewhere down the road, our edges blurred, we melded together and started to own and take on each other’s stuff.  Investing in “us” and wanting “us” to succeed and the different ways we approach that meant some level of conforming to each other’s expectations and standards.  Conforming until we found “middle ground”, until we found some workable and happy medium, ie) our daily rhythm that seemingly felt natural as far as “we” are both concerned, but maybe not so natural to us as individuals in this coupling that we have since LONG lost sight of anyway.

Daily rhythms are sneaky – they feel normal and “easy” because we become so accustomed to them – but what a grind they can be!  Stress, perfectionism, unbalanced roles, high expectations, performance, management, constantly consulting or seeking approval…all of these things can unknowingly creep into our daily activities with just minor discomforts at first.  I’m talking about that adrenaline first thing in the morning while we try and fight traffic to get to work on time, the stress that sits as tightness between our shoulder blades, that edge in our tones when we have to remind someone to do something we thought they would have already done, that tiredness and impatience in having to manage yet another task that could have been handled by the other without direction or consultation…all the while not realizing how unnecessarily attached we are becoming to what each other’s stuff is supposed to look like – having opinions when we wouldn’t have cared before. It’s this entanglement of unconscious coupling I am talking about, haphazard ways of being together and staying together without any real critical examination of what actually works and what doesn’t anymore.

Almost eleven years later, of course we aren’t the same exact human beings we were when we came into this partnership, so how have we not adjusted our roles and daily rhythms accordingly?  Well, it’s kinda my fault.  For majority of our relationship, I’ve been a bit of a control monster, stupidly convinced that there is the “right” way of doing things; and then the way Jason does things…(gulp).  While I was alone, without much to control but my cereal intake lol, I recognized how much energy I expend unnecessarily attached to things being done a certain way, looking a certain way or turning out a certain way.  It wasn’t until I was alone that I realized that seriously – DO I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ALL OF THESE THINGS??   Not really.  I’ve spent so much time caring, planning and pouring out that I was the reason I was in energy expenditure overload and J’s absence helped me realize that.

So what’s the solution? Conscious coupling with an eye on ourselves first.  I recognize our need to create new normals, to create more space in our everyday for ourselves – to allow for more independence and freedom in expressing ourselves, being ourselves and not losing ourselves while we are together.  Then coming together from that place.  It’s hard to change such engrained and default ways of engaging in “us”; but the goal in reaching forever isn’t about just getting there, it’s about getting there being happy, content, energized, whole and intact together. <3