As I think and reflect back on past relationships and friendships, I muse at the diversity of connections I’ve made throughout the years. I look back with wonder at the many “me’s” I’ve evolved through; and the short and long term relationships that have accompanied me along the way. I smile at the rights, and grimace with resignation at my wrongs. But as I grow older, wiser and attempt to step more and more wholly into myself, I begin to realize that though I’ve had many connections, there is a certain magic in hitting certain sweet spots.
It really takes a special type of man to love me. It takes certain eyes to be able to really see me, and a certain kind of heart to be soft hearted to me. It takes a certain kind of patience to make space for me, and a certain type of communication style and open mindedness to be able to meet me in conversation. It takes a certain type of capacity to allow me to work through my issues and allow me to butterfly and stretch around as I need to. It takes a certain type of security to respect my privacy and delicate boundaries. A certain type of selflessness to be on ready for our friends and family in need. It takes a certain type of loyalty and respect that I never feel unchosen in a room full of people. It takes a certain type of independence and self assurance that isn’t threatened when I peacock and doesn’t try and harness or stifle my energy. It takes a certain kind of man with a certain type of free spirit that is always open to new ideas and adventures. But most importantly, it takes a certain type of man, offering a certain type of unconditional love that hasn’t fucked me up more, but has helped me to heal, blossom and grow instead. Where I am at in my journey is truly a testament to who I have been supported by. It’s easy day to day to take this for granted and forget how special it truly is. Thank God for J.
The same goes for friendships…it takes a special kind of magic to land us in the right places at the right times to connect with the right people.
I thought I had stopped believing in soul mates a million years ago. We were messy human beings when we met and fell in love. We weren’t put together and it sure wasn’t a fairytale. It hasn’t been easy, and we’ve been through our share of ups, downs and sideways. But despite the messiness, it’s so crazy to sit back and really reflect on these “certain kind of qualities” that J has, that has taken me and our relationship miles; I wouldn’t have known way back when what we would and could become. I’m definitely not always deserving of such grace and wonder, but that’s the beauty of magic – it’s unexplainable; magical.
Because the truth is, any of us could be with or befriend anyone. Relationships and friendships are choices we make. I probably have the capacity on some level to make it work with anyone; befriend anyone and be close to anyone. But all of the twisting and turning I would do to accommodate just anyone, would come with a lot of expense…a lot of inauthenticity, a lot of bending or breaking, not feeling good enough, feeling insecure or devalued or not feeling known or understood. It’s very interesting how different people, and different styles can impact me; either, settle and nurture or trigger and spin out this one little ol me. Anything can fit, but not everything is safe, and not everyone will serve or preserve our highest good; that’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, but it’s part of the process of trusting life and choosing all of our relationships and connections wisely.
So today I am glad for the magic that happens bringing extraordinary love and connection to my very ordinary days…there is nothing better than resting in these sweet spots. <3