I’ve always thought I was kinda f*cked up on some level.  (Is it weird to admit that publicly lol?? GULP)

Okay well let me clarify that, not terribly, but I always believed I had some level of emotional dysfunction that would express itself and distress itself in my relationships.  And I don’t just mean romantic relationships, in any of my relationships, whether it was professional, personal, family etc. I knew I’ve always had default ways of operating and reacting, ways that I’m not always so proud of, but ways that I couldn’t quite frame or understand, never mind change.  I might not always show what’s going on inside of me, but surely I always felt it.  My way of operating sorta just felt like my nature, even if they felt destructive, self sabotaging or counterintuitive – I would just chalk it up to it all just being my personality.  Maybe I’m just built with some weird dichotomy of peace/gratitude/love/connection and intuition that are woven together with some fabric of volatility, pessimism and recklessness.

My feelings would sometimes feel too big for me. I too often would take things too personally followed by an unnecessary expenditure of time and energy over analyzing and creating stories about my conflicts and interactions. Often times the stories that I would create would be heavy with self criticism,would include victims and villains and would all get away from me.  One minute I might be content in relationship while feeling doubtful the next.  Different people triggered me differently.  I know I can be super reasonable and practical if I’m not emotionally triggered, but once triggered, BYE BYE reason!  Generally, I carried an underline fear that would consistently and secretly remind me not to get too invested in people because they might fail or betray me.  So too often I awaited the endings of relationships once they began, like a skepticism I just couldn’t shake.  I’ve always believed this behaviour and way of operating felt dysfunctional but it was all so habitual that I could only chalk it up to me being inherently dysfunctional on some level. I feared abandonment the moment I became invested in someone, have always hated goodbyes and rejection; and would use control to mitigate my feelings of weakness and vulnerability.  Relationships, while feeling amazing on one hand could easily feel unsafe on the other.

I’ve never wanted to hide my crazy, I’ve always wanted to heal it. I’d always wonder how a “normal” and well adjusted person would have better handled some of my experiences with much less drama and personal commotion?   There are just parts of myself that I’ve always wished I could excise, undo and redo.

As I’ve aged I’ve worked through various outlets and tools trying to dig down and figure this dysfunction out.   Meditation to ground myself and temporarily table my dysfunction, prayer and the Bible to quell my dysfunction and strive for more ideal ways of responding to people, having my girlfriend who is studying astrology tell me about my nature and propensities based on my sign….masking or numbing with vices, or at times not giving a fak and just letting my wild run wild.  Nothing really unravelled or identified the truth of my ways of operating….until somebody introduced me to attachment styles.

Life is magical.  A girlfriend had mentioned reading a book on attachment styles weeks ago that had brought her a lot of clarity and understanding and though intrigued I hadn’t followed through on getting the book.  And then ironically, Jason sent me this attachment quiz weeks later, so out of the blue, echoing her same sentiments.  BOOM, magic.  In case anyone is interested:

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz/?wickedsource=google&wickedid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE&wickedid=535245286760&wv=3.1&wickedsource=google&wickedid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE&wickedid=535245286760&wv=3.1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE

I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. It was what I learnt at a young age that formed and informed my internal workings and responses to conflict and relationships. Typical of immigrant families, love felt based on performance, ran either hot or cold and felt conditional (and this is no slight to my parents who came to this country and worked hard to provide incredible life opportunities for us kids).  But this attachment style and why I adopted it described many of my responses to a tee – becoming bored with status quo and finding comfort almost uncomfortable; craving emotional connections but coating that craving with a fear of abandonment or betrayal. My in and out approach to commitments was fear based. Not always being able to communicate my needs, and instead testing people to see if they could meet them, or pouring out energy on those that I loved, not realizing I was doing so with the hope that it would be poured back without me just properly communicating what I most need.

Being able to identify this conditioning not only educates me on why I sometimes react the way that I do, but lets me know how I can properly address these responses and heal the places and beliefs that drive them. Things like self-regulating and not self-abandoning, being in tune with my emotional needs and providing for them in productive ways, developing consistency and congruency in my own life, re-establishing my own boundaries and integrity to rebuild my own sense of safety and trust. Aligning my intentions and words with my own actions and remaining steadfast, seeing them through and committing to them for my own self assurance and tenacity.  I always thought my flittiness was part of my carefree approach to some things, not realizing that my flittiness is actually fear based and self protective in nature.

So so interesting, enlightening and timely.  Life has such a funny way of providing the things we need when we most need them.  And this is me, I want to know it all.  While I am alive, I want to figure it all out.  I want to understand the purpose and significance of my life. I want to learn as much as I can learn and heal the things that I know need healing.  Above all I want to love, I feel like we are put here to love, fully, wholly and freely…if only we can cut off the baggage and conditioning that prevents us from loving so. <3