I hadn’t realized until recently that I had been operating from residual survival mode, until a dear friend brought it to my attention, followed by a meditation that made it crystal clear to me. I was stuck somewhere between flight/fight mode, for years. I was unintentionally patterning old ways of responding and operating despite the growth I’ve had, and the miles I’ve walked. Sometimes we don’t even notice, until we really look; and until we see, we cannot shift.
It’s okay, rest now dear Warrior One.
I’m sorry, for not releasing you sooner.
It’ s my fault. I failed to see you fighting all of these years later.
I didn’t mean to forget you or take you for granted,
But truth be told, I forgot you were still on watch for me.
I owe you so much and will forever be indebted to you.
You took command when I needed you the most.
I know you are worn thin from years of fighting,
thank you for your unwavering loyalty and fierce protection
But it’s okay, rest now dear Warrior One.
I am ready to release you.
You rose up in me when I needed protection.
You were summoned in the heat of survival.
You appeared when everything came charging, seeping, knocking, creeping, lurking and hiding.
You showed up when everything changed.
I was so unprepared, and trusted those enemies as friends.
I was too naïve to recognize, too inexperienced to know better.
But you called each of them by name, and did what you needed to do
To keep me standing.
There were many;
selfish lovers,
disloyal friends,
teachers lacking moral culpability.
There were wrecking losses,
unattainable standards, and
disillusioned institutions.
There were manipulative faith systems, engrossed in
cultures of fear and shame
There were thieves of comparison,
and too much low hanging fruit.
There was forced conformity, and
acceptable standards.
There was too much blending in,
staying quiet and playing by the rules.
There were the boxes they tried to squeeze me into,
the pressures of expectations that tried to minimize me and control me.
There were too many times of feeling unseen and not being heard.
I needed you to fight for me,
to rage against these pressures and be hypervigilant with my boundaries.
Your sensitivity was so heightened that almost everything was perceived as a threat.
you didn’t trust any of it.
But rightfully so.
You dug huge moats around me,
built sky high walls impossible to penetrate.
You scrutinized everything that came close.
because there was too much at stake,
My identity, my soft heart.
And though life could have robbed me of it,
You made sure I stayed intact.
But I’m ready now.
I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m not weak anymore or susceptible anymore.
These false shadows don’t threaten me,
Those false idols can’t lure me.
I know myself now.
Nothing can take any more than I’ll allow and I am ready to give.
So rest now dear Warrior one,
my heart is strong enough to lead,
and I am ready to love it all.
But it won’t change me,
because I can be me, without you.
I know that now.
I am ready to live from my heart
without needing you to protect it anymore.
You stood before it long enough,
For me to know without a shadow of a doubt,
it
is
invincible. <3