I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships.

How some last and some don’t, the push and pull of some relationships that never quite feel solid or safe; while others remain more intact. Such is the inconsistency, temperamental and sometimes whimsical nature of love.

I’ve been contemplating blood being thicker than water, friends becoming family, colleagues becoming confidants, loves becoming strangers or best friends becoming foes. I’ve experienced them all. Relationships can be magical on one hand and unpredictable on another. Love is a spectrum between the magic of immediate connection, the beautiful intimacy of lifelongs or the familiarity that breeds contempt. Who knows what you are going to get, it feels like a roll of a dice sometimes. This unpredictability use to scare the crap out of me. It use to fuel a deep fear of endings, loss, absences or abandonment. It use to control my responses and manipulate my actions because I would mitigate risks by avoiding conflict, hustle for love or make myself easy to love.

I didn’t understand the equation of relationships, how could deep chemistry and connection possibly morphe into toxicity or indifference? How could the line between love and hate really feel so thin? Why do some people stay and some people leave? Is it me? What’s wrong with me that would express so many beginnings and at the same time, many endings?

But this morning, I was reflecting and reminiscing about the beautiful relationships in my life that have stood the test of time. The ones that house hilarious, unforgettable and precious memories of the past. The ones who have seen me through many different me’s. And I realize, these are the ones that gave me the space to grow, as I did for them. These are the ones that let me show up as myself, flaws, shortcomings and all. These relationships aren’t perfect, they aren’t set apart because they’ve been easy. They weren’t cake walks or perfect. They too have been through their share of ups and down, seasons of closeness, love and camaraderie, as well as seasons of disagreement, misunderstanding, indifference or volatility. But regardless of what they went through, they continued to have enough space for each of us to show up exactly as we were. We had the space to be ourselves, whatever that looked like. (Because honestly speaking, when we aren’t able to show up as we are anymore, we probably just stop wanting to show up).

Maybe sometimes we forget to check our expectations at the door, not realizing that the rate of growth varies between all of us. I have had friends who have married in their twenties when I still felt like a toddler learning how to walk. Friends who started their forever careers and raising families when I felt like I was just weaning of my mother’s milk. I’ve also had friends relive their teenage years of independence and discovery while I was setting goals and starting a mortgage. Today I realize that it’s not about outgrowing each other, it’s about how we are personally growing. We each have our own timetables. We feed at different times and experience growth spurts sometimes during different decades…and we either make room for people to do that, or we don’t.

What matters is not necessarily our constant compatibility or similarities, but it’s our commitment to creating space, tolerance, acceptance and openness to best support each other’s journeys as much as possible. Is there space between us, for each of us, or is it onesided? Is there space between us for both of us to flex, to navigate, to fak up, to landslide backwards or make huge strides forward? Is there space between us for each of our failures, our successes or even our periods of stagnancy? Am I able to be imperfectly me and you be wildly you? Or is our space filling up with priorities, judgments, values, beliefs , stories, assumptions, labels and expectations? Are these things making the space too small for either of us to move in without bumping into corners and bruising ourselves on rough edges? If the space between us is too small, how will either of us dance?

None of it is right or wrong. None of this is or good nor bad; sometimes our priorities, beliefs and values do trump an another’s otherness; that’s maybe what we call friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Do we meet each other where we are, or do we need the other to be where we are? If we need each other to be where we are, then neither of us will be allowed to grow.

Our hearts are resilient. We can love and create spaces so great they encompass so much room to trip, to fall back or run ahead…we can create fields so wide, so vast and so lush that horses can either graze or gallop. We can allow the ones we love, the space they need to fully stretch their limbs, rev up their heart rates or choose to curl up and rest.

As I continue to grow, let me love in freedom and with freedom. Let me create huge oceans with my patience, fields with my acceptance and blue skies with my non judgment. Let me create safe and sacred spaces for you to be you and me to be me. And in all of this unbridled space, may love and kindness flow even when it feels like there are mountains between us. Above everything else, may we continue to grow with whoever allows us, exactly as we are meant to. <3