These cancer meds kinda suck.  Ya ya ya they are working hard to minimize the cancer that has formed a mass in my left lung, the cancer that has spread to four of my lung lymphnodes and the cancer that has infected my right rib (thank you for trying to save me) but omg their potency have massive ripple effects throughout my entire body.

Nothing feels easy anymore.

Listen, if you know me, then you know that I care about everything! How I look, how I think, how I operate, how I take care of my body… I use to be Superwoman; a high functioning human being, fully capable, multitasking wiz juggling a million daily responsibilities with a full face of makeup and styled hair, while squeezing in daily workouts.  I was super social and outgoing always plugged into my network of friends and colleagues…and now I feel like maybe half of what I was.  But even being this new half of myself is sometimes smoke and mirrors, because I know I present well but it’s a real struggle some days– like these leftover pieces of me are actually just being held together by my husband behind the curtain some days.

I use to feel pretty, but this cancer feels really ugly.

Even as I type this, my fingertips feel puffy, burny and swollen, some feel like wooden peg tips.  These meds cause peripheral neuropathy in my hands which I am trying to manage with nerve medication and a daily Vit B complex. I’m hopeful my body will better regulate over time and that I will better tolerate this condition. It’s possible too that this neuropathy could entirely fade over time.

The reason I’m getting this peripheral neuropathy is because these cancer meds penetrate my blood brain barrier which is amazing because it works to prevent the cancer from spreading to my brain. But the collateral damage is I often feel just mentally clumsy, absent minded, unnecessarily anxious or reactive.  But I’m learning to be super intentional of what I’m doing and how I’m doing things so that I don’t lose track.

Boo I am also finding that my hair isn’t growing which sucks.  Sometimes I feel like that jr high version of myself that just didn’t know what the hell to do with her hair.  But I can’t do anything to help my hair grow because I’ve been ordered not take the things I use to, like my vast array of other vitamins, supplements, collagen and even protein shakes! Sigh.

The cancer meds are also causing edema throughout my body, gross involuntary fluid retention.  Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around saddled with water filled balloons strapped to my calves or the top of my arms.  Everything feels and looks filled in. I use to work daily at muscle definition and leanness.  Well bye bye body! My husband and I did a trip to the mountains and my weight jumped up an additional 8lbs despite the tens of thousands of steps we were getting on the daily.  This, on top of the 7lbs it went up the first month into the cancer meds. Sure it’s fluid retention and swelling and not actual weight, but it’s all still a mind f*ck.  While Ozempic is the latest rage, here I am struggling with this fluctuating thickness and heaviness I am trying to manage with diet, compression gear and water pills. Okay 90yr old wah. Lol sadly my Dad and I can compare med lists.

It’s possible this fluid retention too will dissipate over time and completely resolve God Willing, but my present is filled with many down days feeling overwhelmed, helpless and at a loss in how to feel comfortable in this new cancer body. How to dress it, how to accept it, how to love it fak.  I miss the outline of my shins, seeing the muscles in my shoulders or the shape of my waist damnit!

The things that were once in my control feel just outside of my control now.  Especially in 2020 to 2023 I felt I had hit an amazing sweet spot with my diet and workouts and boom in an instant everything has changed in 2024.

All this to say, this ugly cancer is making me feel ugly.  And I thought I would just feel grateful for this second chance at life instead of wallowing in this cancer ugliness, but it’s tough.  This body feels foreign to me, my capacity both physically and mentally feels foreign to me…and I just wonder, will I ever feel like myself again?

How will I give myself grace while I adjust? How can I be patient while everything is still reregulating? I know that I will keep working hard at resolution and being the best possible me, that’s how I’m wired.  I just have to figure out how to deal with this cancer constantly tripping the fuse. <3