I’ve read a lot of different kinds of self-help books over the years.  Books about spirituality, diets, exercise, forming habits, how to be a better person, 10% happier, boundaries…none of it stuck.

I use to spend a lot of time in my head, wondering/thinking/worrying/wishing…fruitlessly but tirelessly.

We are our own worst enemies.

We are the problem.

It’s hard to get out of our own way, when we don’t even realize WE are the ones standing there with crossed arms and furrowed brows.

We so desperately long for change but unknowingly cling to our old ways of being and operating.  All of the duties, the shoulds, the supposed to’s, the obligations and the traditions.  All of the expectations and rules passed down to us.  Those ways that we’ve ALWAYS done things, including who we do them with and how we do them.  We wear these so tightly to our skin they feel like part of us.  They feel like who we are, our identities and personalities.  But we are not the self, or other-imposed responsibilities laid upon us. We are not the things that we do or don’t do. That’s what I’d been missing.

Like running a fool’s errand, I was always so preoccupied with wondering what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  What is the secret to living a fulfilled and happy life?  Those grand soul questions I could never find answers to no matter where I looked.  Until I got cancer, and cancer taught me what I needed to know.

When I thought I was going to die, all I wanted to do, was just live.

Simply, live.

And what did “living” mean for me?  Just being (present) and feeling (all of it).

I thought, if I left this earth, nobody would love the way that I love. Nobody would feel the way I feel and take it all in, the way that I do.  Nobody could imprint my sphere of influence with MY unique stamp.   The only purpose of me being alive is to be present and be me. To feel all of the things, then let that all of that flow back out of me: in love, in kindness, in action, in relationship, in community, in privacy, in anger, in frustration, in conflict; in all things; in and through ME – that is the value, purpose and contribution of MY life; all that flows in and through me.

Stage four cancer gave me permission to basically turn my life over my kitchen table, shake it out and pick through it.  I hated all of the things I had killed myself over, which sadly made a pretty high pile. I hated all of the possible ways I might have encouraged this cancer to grow and fester in my body.  I resented all of the ways I stretched myself thin, stressed too much, pushed through, said yes when I didn’t really want to, all of the times I held up old pillars of obligation, expectation or familiarity instead of honouring my own physical or heart capacity. I hated the unhealthy things I took part in, the toxicities I allowed in my body which also included the constant push and pulls of some relationships.  A friend of mine use to always say, everything in life is a choice, but my obligations and stresses didn’t feel like choices, they felt like my “have to’s” – until cancer stopped me dead in my tracks and made me drop EVERYTHING.  By the time I came to, the world was still turning.  Oh right, the world could still revolve with or without me.  I finally felt my freedom of choice. I saw that regardless of what I choose to do or not do, everyone and everything will otherwise adjust.  People and this world can take, and take, and take from me, and it’s MY job to advocate and protect myself and my well being. I don’t owe anybody, anything.  Health is a finite resource that we all must preserve for ourselves, and I will fiercely protect every ounce of what I have left.

No wonder I was reading books about how to find abundant joy and happiness.  It’s hard to feel good when I was so bogged down with so many things that didn’t feel good; like running in red trying to take care of people, self-medicating, not prioritizing sleep, eating processed shit, being more focused on my external aesthetics than what I was putting into my body, engaging in relationships I didn’t truly care to and being everywhere else, but present.

I know better now. Joy, kindness, wellness, wholeness, love…those aren’t things that we do – that are things that come from who we are and how we are –in and through us…that is why we must choose to take care of ourselves first. First, let us be well, then all will be well. <3