It is in our human nature to see things only through a lens which supports the ideas that promote security and decrease anxiety. Nothing does either of those better than not having to make any changes.  (Krista Rompolski)

We’ve now settled into our new home, and it’s wonderful!!  Gotta love the excitement and invigoration of moving into a brand new home with beautiful new fixtures and finishes.Gosh, the newness is energizing, and the stability of it is relieving; we are finally home!! Despite my desire to complete our unfinished basement, we were cautioned by the builders to wait at least a full year before doing so. 

WHAT?? But I can’t wait for it all to be completed! I can’t wait to entertain and hang out in our newly finished basement! I’ve got such big plans for that space!  But no, they said it was important to allow the house enough time to settle before we try and make any changes to it.  Sure we could probably throw caution to the wind and make some changes now, but I’m sure in doing so, we would probably create more damage and work for us down the road.  True enough, waiting and allowing time to run it’s course now, ensures us the best use of our energy, time and money in the future.

Is dieting or working on ourselves any different? Don’t we often try and skip through the waiting and settling periods and instead jump headfirst into the working and finishing stuff? But is it the right time?  Has everything settled enough to start picking colours and hiring the right contractors?

Before fixing, rebuilding or refinishing yourself – ask yourself, do you feel settled enough to make changes?  Will you be able to withstand the work so that the changes can be lasting? Is your foundation strong enough to build upon? If you’ve just gone through a transitionary period, are you at it’s end?  Or do you need more time to work your way through it before you try and effect any change?  Maybe there are foundation cracks that need to be addressed before you put new flooring down, maybe water leaks that need to sealed before you drywall….wouldn’t it be better to start from a good starting place, instead of re-doing the work over and over again?

And no, this isn’t an excuse to delay action, it’s a reason to consider the importance of settled foundations upon which to build upon.  It’s about knowing yourself and listening to yourself.  Sometimes it’s better to wait and let things settle before jumping into new projects, new bodies, new relationships, new jobs, new selves…and fortunately for us, new homes! <3

When things don’t make sense, what is your GO-TO?  What gives you comfort in the chaos?  Where can you go when you need solace in the silence? Do you have a GO-TO?  Is it a person? A Thing?  Something Higher?

I’ve had different GO-TO’s in the past.  Sometimes I’d turn to a friend, my journal, a glass of wine, a cigarette, food…fortunately nowadays it’s an amazing and understanding husband…but the epitome of my comfort in the chaos, is prayer.

Is it just me or can the world be pretty f’d up sometimes?  The brokenness and bad things that happen sometimes overwhelm me to consider.  Just when I forget and lose myself in the bliss of my own day to day world, something bursts my bubble and opens my eyes to this big scary world around me; where bad things seem disgustingly normal.  People cheat, lie, deceive, steal, harm, hurt, fall through…It’s hard to digest; inevitably it doesn’t sit quite right in me and no amount of talking, drinking or eating can settle my upset stomach, and so I pray…

The scales never seem balanced. What’s fair for one person isn’t fair for another.  What true for one person isn’t for another.  One person’s gain is another person’s loss.  But when you truly think about these kinds of experiences, they are just stories, and everyone turns into first person story tellers.  But between two people’s versions of a story is the truth.  The truth can be so elusive sometimes and impossible to actually pin point.  All that’s left are assumptions we make from hearing stories, assumptions mixed with mud to fill in the cracks and gaps of people’s stories and how it all fits together.  Only to find however, that they don’t actually all fit together.  It’s impossible.  Truth finding in story telling can be impossible.  Someone’s story, is just that, their story; their version of events full of their perception, their emotion, their experience and baggage…their version of events might not be Truth, but at the same time, neither is the other person’s version – because they are just that, versions; two parts of the same equation that don’t mathematically add up.  But that’s because what equals are truths not Truth. Their truths not the Truth.

When I get lost in the story telling, I remember to stop putting my faith in the story tellers, but the purpose of the stories.  For that, I turn to prayer.  The answer to prayer isn’t always some magical fix, some miraculous turning of water into wine.  Sometimes it’s something simple like understanding – maybe even hope.

Today I realize, that despite people being so broken and imperfect, love is resilient.  A mother’s love for her child, a daughter’s love for her father, a husband’s love for his wife, love for your extended family, your best friend, your dog, your country, your God…I won’t call it unconditional, but surely, it is strong.  And it’s only under this umbrella of resilient love that  I get the feeling that all things, good or bad, somehow all fit and have a place in this world, even when I don’t quite understand.

It’s only after I start to glue back the last pieces of my bubble back together and crawl back in, do I realize, that not all expressions of love start off by being bullet proof.  Resilient love isn’t me inspired, it’s God inspired.  It’s tested, tried and true.  My love is flitty; it’s subjective, fragile, insecure, fearful and selfish, just like my story telling.  So I thank God for the tests of my faith, the times that my bubble is burst open, because it presents a new opportunity to test my love,  to challenge it to a deeper level and transform my love by His love to Resilient Love.

So in a world of hard knocks and imbalanced scales find a GO-TO that will bring you back to Love.  I found mine, on my knees… <3

MY life is supposed to be about me, isn’t it?  I mean, aren’t I the star of this show?  Isn’t it about my wishes, my desires, my goals, my plans….. hence MY life?

I’m reading a book with a small group that I am a part of, called Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  It’s geared towards developing authentic faith in God as opposed to the status quo mediocrity we sometimes become accustomed to.  You know, just going through the motions.  Regardless of what someone practices, I’m sure we all relate to faith that becomes more routine than intimate, more bland than from the heart. Personally, I find doing things I am “supposed” to do, or that I’m “obligated” to do, without really wanting to; SUFFOCATING.

I’ve been a Christian all of my life, but who knew my faith (almost 37 years later) hadn’t even hit puberty yet!  It’s like I woke up this morning with pubescent spiritual acne that I wasn’t expecting!  I’m only through the first three chapters of this book and already a fury of thoughts and shifted perceptions fill my mind, but one in particular moved me.

Have you ever considered your own mortality?  I hadn’t, well not until this book.  I must admit, I’ve considered OTHER people’s mortality without ever having considered my own.

I’ll admit that I’m not the most patient person in the world, and it’s definitely something I need to constantly work on; from hurrying my poor husband out the door to listening to my Dad tell me eleven times over a span of one week how important it is to save…and when I feel my blood start to boil, I try and remind myself that there will probably come a time when I will wish for this annoying moment back (knock on wood).  That since heaven doesn’t allow phone calls, I need to take in whatever time I have with everyone around me right now regardless of context or content.  Does that work for me? Does it help me become a more loving, understanding and patient person? Not really.

Until this book challenged me to consider MY own mortality….GASP!  True enough, despite how invincible I’ve mistakenly seen my own life, the reality is, I could die at any moment.  It really would just take one person’s inopportune text message or that extra drink that someone had after work to unintentionally clip me and send me into never never land….

I’ve heard all of the clichés, sure “live like you’re dying” – “be present in each moment” blah blah blah, but none of those stirred any authentic consideration until Francis Chan convinced me that I could literally die tonight.

If that negligent distracted driver should spin out my vehicle tonight on the street – and I know right now, that it could happen just hours from now – I immediately recognize that I’m not concerned about me and how I’ve been treated, I’m concerned about the ones I’d be leaving behind and how I’ve treated them.  Was I kind enough? Did I love enough?  Could I have been more nurturing or positive?  Could I have been more helpful and considerate?  Who could I have given more to? Who should I have reached out to?

If I am given the luxury of the knowledge that, yup, tonight that negligent guy is going to fatally hit me – I’d make sure to kiss Jason before he left this morning, I’d pop into my parents house and see how they’re doing….but aside from just relationships, I’d step out of my car, take a deep breath and truly feel that cold wintery air on my skin. I’d look around to really notice and see the places I blindly drive past every morning; the beautiful red brick buildings, the misted air over the beautiful frozen river  – I feel like I would morph into a quiet observer, my higher self.  I wouldn’t be annoyed by the traffic because I’d be so busy appreciating this last ride.  I probably wouldn’t be judging that insecure girl in my office who speaks too loudly and for too long, because my higher self  would forgive and understand that she is only acting the way she knows how to.  My higher self would never have the capacity to waste one moment of this last day on any kind of judgment, hate, intolerance, impatience or anything other than LOVE.

But the interesting thing that I realize, is, these thoughts aren’t coming from a worry of how people are perceiving me or making sure I’m liked when I’m gone; it comes from a strong sense of self responsibility.  It is my responsibility to give patience, kindness and love….not for others to deserve it.  I am responsible for my actions and I truly can choose my responses, because I know; that if today were my last day on this earth; I’d even smile at an “enemy”.

So thank you Francis Chan for helping me recognize that each moment of my life is truly a gift. That me being here right now writing this, is a blessing.  I can’t be sure that I’ll retire, collect pension and have morning walks with J by the river each day – so instead I will live this day recognizing that instead of focusing on myself, I’d much rather focus on the big beautiful world around me …. <3

People are dying of cancer…women my age are dying of cancer? 

It’s mind boggling and mortifying.  It seems so random and so unfair.  In the past couple of weeks, different friends of mine have been dealing with the deaths of their loved ones to cancer.  It’s sad to see anyone lose a battle against cancer, but it’s especially strange when it happens at such a prime age.  We should be planning dinners and gatherings with our friends, not funerals.  Is there anything we can do to protect ourselves and protect our families?

I googled the prevention of cancer, and the advice that came up sounded a little old wives tale’ish; eat a lot of garlic and blueberries, be active, don’t stress out, eat less sugar, eat a healthy diet, don’t smoke, use greener products, ditch your non stick cookware, don’t stand too close to a microwave while it’s on…..is there merit to any of these claims?

Who knows?  The advice changes from expert to expert.  Some say less protein, some say more…we are constantly bombarded with such conflicting information that it’s difficult to really know or understand what we should be doing or who we should be following.  Who really knows how the choices we make today will affect our tomorrows?  I don’t know what I believe anymore.  But the question is, can I somehow mitigate my risks? Is it worth it to try and protect myself or is it a crapshoot?

Well, one thing for certain, we can’t rely on our bodies to always remain resilient and withstand the things we put it through.  As we age, we can’t expect our bodies to bounce back, like it use to in our younger days.  Turns out  we’re not invincible.

Shortly after I started writing this blog, I thought I was resigning to the fact that I would never again be that same girl I was in my twenties or early thirties. I thought I was nostalgically and wistfully looking back at my prime “bounce back” days.  Those easy recovery days from any ailment I inflicted upon myself; excessive partying, drinking, not sleeping enough or eating too much junk food.  But today I realize that I don’t feel resigned, I feel glad to be here instead of there.  I feel fortified and empowered by knowledge and self awareness.  Instead of blindly living I feel justified in choosing more intentionally.  What I thought was innocence back then was more of reckless ignorance.  I would have assumed that being able to better see and understand the parameters of my health and physicality, (as opposed to living invincibly in every moment) would make me feel weaker, but I actually feel stronger.  I’m glad age popped that bubble for me. It wasn’t until I put on weight that I started exploring and delving into my own health, and what started as a superficial look at weight and self image turned into a journey down health, wellness and wellbeing.

I’ve been reading a book, “It Starts with Food” by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig and it’s fantastic.  It’s informative and very easy to read.  It’s similar to Paleo principles but so much more reader friendly than I found the Paleo Diet.  It basically talks about food and how it affects us psychologically, physiologically, hormonally, our immune systems and gut.  It details the effects that bad foods have on our systems, and it’s eye opening! Bad foods aren’t just French fries and ice cream.  It talks about the stop button that less nutritional foods lack which makes us overeat and the pathways this overeating creates in our brains which lead to food addictions.  It details the way bad foods affect our hormonal levels and how they throw them out of whack.  It’s very interesting how our bodies have been naturally and intricately designed to function, and how we throw all of these processes off by the processed food we eat.  It especially highlights how we are naturally programmed to seek sweet, salty and fatty foods for survival, but how food manufacturers have perverted our sense of taste by exaggerating these flavors ten fold and how we’ve all fallen for it – THEY save money by making food that is cheap for them to make because it is so artificially produced and how WE spend so much of our own hard earned money ignorantly buying this crap and becoming their crack addicts, while THEY continue to profit.  We become addicted to these foods while our bodies sooner or later begin to suffer the consequences – excessive hormonal imbalance?  Leaky gut?  We’re not invincible.  We are being led a million miles away from the bodies we were designed to live in, and the health and wellness we were meant to have.  There use to be a more natural order to life, our bodies and the environments we lived in.  Things are so contrived nowadays though, that it’s hard to see past our “new normals”, I grew up with these manufactured goods, why would I have questioned them?  But how do you weed through all this fake stuff and get back to the good stuff? How do we undo what has been done? In a way, I feel like I’ve been duped.

I was duped when I thought aspartame was a good substitute for sugar because it wouldn’t make me fat. I was duped when I smoked cigarettes without realizing the ridiculous addictive nature of them. I was duped when I use to constantly buy easy to make “just add water” dishes, or ate fast food on a daily basis…I was duped when I trusted the world around me and lived with a naïve taken for grantedness; assuming that people wouldn’t seek profit at the expense of my health and wellness.  Until I took a bite of the apple and took a good look around….

I don’t know how to prevent cancer (knock on wood) or save the world from greedy food manufacturers, but I do know that I care about my body, deeper than how it looks. I care about how it feels and the way it functions. I want my vessel to be strong enough to house this strong me.  I want the capacity to run good distances, think with clarity, sleep soundly and feel even keeled and in control day to day.  That’s where I choose to start mitigating my risks.  I may not be able to control the future, but intentionally choosing to stop taking my body for granted is something I can do in my present.  Health is a privilege that we ought to cherish and maintain.  Certain food manufacturers may not care, but I certainly do.

OMGSH! SHU@#$ UP!!!!!  The voice in my head is so loud, I often can’t hear anything BUT what it’s saying!

There was a time, when I was younger and maybe more naïve or idealistic that the voice in my head was much quieter. I was more tuned into the world outside of me, than what was going on inside of me.  I was more of a sponge, taking it all in. There use to be much more silence and space in my head for interpretation and acceptance.  Now, I’m more of a brick, less penetrable.  Now I have such a thick filtration system in my head.  I can barely see nor interpret experiences outside of my colander of judgment and perception.

I can’t count how many times in a day, my inner voice speaks above and louder than the person before me.  What do I mean?  Soon after someone says or does something, my inner voice immediately responds with an opinion or judgment, “Did he really just say that?”  “Why are people so annoying”  “They’re just looking for attention” “Ya, she’s just being moody again” and so on.  I stop listening, because the voice in my head starts speaking, and damn is she loud!  This seems like a hindrance to living a peaceful and authentic life.  There’s obviously no way I could voice these thoughts out loud. So what then, of the paradox that I am or am becoming?  How do I turn it off?

The voice is usually critical.  It probably comes from my deep seeded expectations of how I think people should behave and be.  But when I really reflect on that, it means that my ego really believes that I know what’s right or better, as if I know “the right way to behave”.  Why is this internal voice louder now than it used to be?  It used to be much more easier for me interacting with different kinds of people.  Now, I find myself flocking to people who don’t trigger my inner voice.  After all, it’s easier to have a meaningful exchange with someone when my inner voice isn’t shouting over them.

So I find myself attracted to people who tend to be more like minded to me, share similar values; people I respect, admire or in some way “approve” of.  People say as we get older, our time becomes more precious and valuable.  That we too become more firm in our values and direction.  But does realizing my own values need to equate to judging the values of others?  It’s almost like my values had a naughty one night stand with my ego,  which bore my inbred judgements and expectations.   Isn’t there a way that my values could instead grow more acceptance and openness – maybe I need to marry my values not to my ego, but to my spirit.

I’ve been reading a book “The Hiding Place” that Betsy Thomas had posted about on her Facebook.  It’s about the German invasion and occupation of Holland and the discrimination and atrocities Jewish people were put through.  It’s a mortifying and touching account of how horrible people can be to one another.  But this isn’t an isolated incident.  I think back to Africa, the Middle East, India…  Often times, human beings are horrible to one another. It’s like we stop relating to each other as humans, and instead we begin classifying each other in accordance with our own value system.  But that’s not that different from what I’ve subconsciously doing, is it?  Me flocking to like minded people, means that I’ve been classifying people in relation to my own value system, and in essence, on some level, discriminating against those that don’t quite fit into my value system.  I’m not flogging them or rallying for their demise; but I am certainly identifying them….well my internal voice certainly is…..and maybe that’s where the disconnect and breakdown starts.  I don’t want to create any separations, not globally, not even microscopically.

But having said that, so then what? What of my internal voice?  What does it really mean to marry my values with my spirit not my ego?

Well, I suppose it goes without saying, if I believe in equality on a global level, then it doesn’t make sense to accept discrimination on a personal level.  Also, it dawns on me, that when I think back, I can recollect times where it’s been people seemingly “different” from me that have taught me such valuable life lessons.  It was a Muslim girl who taught me how to be a better Christian.  It was a friend who overcame an eating disorder who taught me we all have body issues and insecurities.  It was a friend who came from a very dysfunctional family that taught me people can take responsibility for their own lives and be successful…

That really is the meaning of the human experience, the exchange that takes place between us.  It’s not really about who I am or who you are, but what happens in that space between us.  There is always something to give or something to take. There is something to learn or something to teach.  The duality that is strung through all of creation, exists even in human to human experience.

Wow, I feel like I’ve managed to quiet my inner voice for the time being.  I’m sure though, that it’ll return with vengeance tomorrow.  But valuing the distance between us, maybe muzzles the voice long enough for me to meaningfully contribute to any exchange; this human to human experience.  Marrying my values with my spirit means coming from a place of love not judgment.  That way I can hold on to my values without infringing upon yours.  Maybe that’s the peace that passeth all understanding….

After all, regardless of differences and values, everyone has the right to be themselves.  I might be a brick now, but bricks make firm foundations of which to build upon. <3