It’s crazy how terrible your diagnosis initially was and it’s been terrible to see what it is doing to you….but in some ways, it’s crazy how much of a gift it has turned out to be too.

From where I am standing, your Alzheimer’s healed the brokenness in our relationship and has made it feel whole again. Finally, after years of you sacrificing for me, I was able to pour back into you.  Alzheimer’s made you vulnerable in a way I don’t think  I would have otherwise known or ever seen.  It chipped away at your high wall of accumulated stuff – the cynicism, the bitterness, those hard edges, and piece by piece gave you back a childlike innocence I bet you didn’t think you’d ever feel again.  Your Alzheimer’s pruned off some deep rooted branches of resentment.  It has protected you and covered you from the sting of some past memories best forgotten.  Instead, you wake to each moment light and present.  Your graciousness, your kindness, your innocence…the way your eyes light up when I see you, humbles me and touches me in ways I will forever be grateful for.

You almost seem content in your stillness and space now….unburdened almost.  You finally put down that heavy load you’ve carried for as long as I can remember.  That powerhouse workhorse you had always been….from working those night shifts only to come home and work tirelessly for us.  You seemed weary so long ago but you always forced yourself up and powered through.  Alzheimer’s made you finally rest.

It’s funny, how even in the worst situations, Grace always finds us…I am scared shitless of what is to come and where we will go, and it breaks my heart to accept our best days are behind us… but tonight and in these past months I’m coming to learn that having our hearts broken can create space inside of ourselves to feel and experience love in ways we would never have otherwise felt…I guess that’s the irony and beauty of Grace…the Gift of Grace.

I love you Mom. <3