That night you left will forever be etched into my mind.
That feeling of deep loss will always be indescribable.
I can’t focus on it too long because I’m scared the reality of your loss might be unbearable too.

But I wonder, where did you go?
Did you know you were leaving? Could you hear us that last night?
Was it peace that allowed you to take that last breath and slip away?

What do we do when our loved ones leave?
Life is supposed to just go on they say.
We should be able to adjust.
God won’t give you more than you can handle, they say.

I really miss your presence.
Your absence is greater than the sum of all of our parts.
I miss the way you completed our family,
the way you filled that fourth chair at our dinner table on Wednesdays.
I miss the comfort and taken for granted security I had in knowing;
I was yours and you were mine.

I love the example of your life.
I love the way you found deep joy and purpose in the home you created.
I admire the peace and comfort you found in being at home, and find myself feeling that same way.
I love the way you decorated your life with the things you cherished the most.
And that too reminds me to do the same.

I miss the way you loved and supported me.
Who will care for me the way that you did?
Who will call me the way that you did?
Who will light up for me the way that you did?

But still, life is supposed to go on.
I should be able to adjust,
without your smile and without your warmth.
Strange that I can barely remember anything we fought about.
I barely remember your short comings.
Your humanity is what stays anchored deep down inside of me.
My mind understands it was time. I can rationalize that “why’.
I too wouldn’t want to suffer the way that you were.
But honestly, I just wasn’t ready for you to slip away.
and had you asked, I would have asked you to stay, preferably forever.

Thank God, that even though I sit here in loss, regret or words left unsaid don’t sit with me or crowd me.
There is a lot of space here for me to breathe and grieve.
Between us, it felt complete.
Because of you, I will live better, and want to mirror your charity and humanity.

I will try to pour love into those places dry and thirsty since you left.

Maybe at the end of life, all that matters is what we’ve done and who we’ve loved.
Maybe we are only judged by our own actions and deeds.
We are remembered for the imprints we leave.
So if that is the lesson, wherever you are, bloom where you are planted.
If you are a daughter, be the best daughter you can be.
Be the best wife, the best student, the best teacher, the best friend.
Be the best you can be to all of those around you,
Leave them imprinted, like you did me.
After experiencing your loss, I know there is nothing I can do BUT honour your life and legacy by honouring your life with mine.
It’s the only way I can keep you still close to me, since you’ve gone so far away.
Let me be judged by my actions and deeds.
Let me live intentionally and purposefully.
Let everyone know that I am who I am, and do all that I do because of a mother’s love…
My Mother’s Love.

<3 rest in peace my beloved.