I’ve always thought I was kinda f*cked up on some level.  (Is it weird to admit that publicly lol?? GULP)

Okay well let me clarify that, not terribly, but I always believed I had some level of emotional dysfunction that would express itself and distress itself in my relationships.  And I don’t just mean romantic relationships, in any of my relationships, whether it was professional, personal, family etc. I knew I’ve always had default ways of operating and reacting, ways that I’m not always so proud of, but ways that I couldn’t quite frame or understand, never mind change.  I might not always show what’s going on inside of me, but surely I always felt it.  My way of operating sorta just felt like my nature, even if they felt destructive, self sabotaging or counterintuitive – I would just chalk it up to it all just being my personality.  Maybe I’m just built with some weird dichotomy of peace/gratitude/love/connection and intuition that are woven together with some fabric of volatility, pessimism and recklessness.

My feelings would sometimes feel too big for me. I too often would take things too personally followed by an unnecessary expenditure of time and energy over analyzing and creating stories about my conflicts and interactions. Often times the stories that I would create would be heavy with self criticism,would include victims and villains and would all get away from me.  One minute I might be content in relationship while feeling doubtful the next.  Different people triggered me differently.  I know I can be super reasonable and practical if I’m not emotionally triggered, but once triggered, BYE BYE reason!  Generally, I carried an underline fear that would consistently and secretly remind me not to get too invested in people because they might fail or betray me.  So too often I awaited the endings of relationships once they began, like a skepticism I just couldn’t shake.  I’ve always believed this behaviour and way of operating felt dysfunctional but it was all so habitual that I could only chalk it up to me being inherently dysfunctional on some level. I feared abandonment the moment I became invested in someone, have always hated goodbyes and rejection; and would use control to mitigate my feelings of weakness and vulnerability.  Relationships, while feeling amazing on one hand could easily feel unsafe on the other.

I’ve never wanted to hide my crazy, I’ve always wanted to heal it. I’d always wonder how a “normal” and well adjusted person would have better handled some of my experiences with much less drama and personal commotion?   There are just parts of myself that I’ve always wished I could excise, undo and redo.

As I’ve aged I’ve worked through various outlets and tools trying to dig down and figure this dysfunction out.   Meditation to ground myself and temporarily table my dysfunction, prayer and the Bible to quell my dysfunction and strive for more ideal ways of responding to people, having my girlfriend who is studying astrology tell me about my nature and propensities based on my sign….masking or numbing with vices, or at times not giving a fak and just letting my wild run wild.  Nothing really unravelled or identified the truth of my ways of operating….until somebody introduced me to attachment styles.

Life is magical.  A girlfriend had mentioned reading a book on attachment styles weeks ago that had brought her a lot of clarity and understanding and though intrigued I hadn’t followed through on getting the book.  And then ironically, Jason sent me this attachment quiz weeks later, so out of the blue, echoing her same sentiments.  BOOM, magic.  In case anyone is interested:

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz/?wickedsource=google&wickedid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE&wickedid=535245286760&wv=3.1&wickedsource=google&wickedid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE&wickedid=535245286760&wv=3.1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1e3lg4Sk9gIVpx-tBh1yTA9MEAAYASAAEgLhivD_BwE

I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. It was what I learnt at a young age that formed and informed my internal workings and responses to conflict and relationships. Typical of immigrant families, love felt based on performance, ran either hot or cold and felt conditional (and this is no slight to my parents who came to this country and worked hard to provide incredible life opportunities for us kids).  But this attachment style and why I adopted it described many of my responses to a tee – becoming bored with status quo and finding comfort almost uncomfortable; craving emotional connections but coating that craving with a fear of abandonment or betrayal. My in and out approach to commitments was fear based. Not always being able to communicate my needs, and instead testing people to see if they could meet them, or pouring out energy on those that I loved, not realizing I was doing so with the hope that it would be poured back without me just properly communicating what I most need.

Being able to identify this conditioning not only educates me on why I sometimes react the way that I do, but lets me know how I can properly address these responses and heal the places and beliefs that drive them. Things like self-regulating and not self-abandoning, being in tune with my emotional needs and providing for them in productive ways, developing consistency and congruency in my own life, re-establishing my own boundaries and integrity to rebuild my own sense of safety and trust. Aligning my intentions and words with my own actions and remaining steadfast, seeing them through and committing to them for my own self assurance and tenacity.  I always thought my flittiness was part of my carefree approach to some things, not realizing that my flittiness is actually fear based and self protective in nature.

So so interesting, enlightening and timely.  Life has such a funny way of providing the things we need when we most need them.  And this is me, I want to know it all.  While I am alive, I want to figure it all out.  I want to understand the purpose and significance of my life. I want to learn as much as I can learn and heal the things that I know need healing.  Above all I want to love, I feel like we are put here to love, fully, wholly and freely…if only we can cut off the baggage and conditioning that prevents us from loving so. <3

I’ve recently picked up Meditation again. 

These times still feel strange – sort of closer to normal but definitely not quite normal yet.  These days are wearing.  Continuing to navigate through this drawn out period of polarization, division, seclusion, isolation, fear and restrictions certainly takes a toll on each of us in some way.  

A girlfriend of mine had previously directed me to the Insight Timer App which has a lot of great beginner level meditation lessons…I found a teacher, Sarah Blondin, whose poetic style really spoke to me.   Recently, I practiced one of her meditations wherein she coined the phrase, “tenderize your pain” and that spoke volumes to me and really had me examining the things I keep bundled up inside.

Tenderize your pain.

Don’t let it harden you.

Don’t let it create ridges between your dreams and experiences.

Don’t let it create breaks between your past and present.

Don’t let pain compartmentalize or divide your heart.

Don’t let it crystalize gaps between who you are and how you are.

Don’t resist it, don’t control it, don’t stop it, don’t run from it, don’t medicate or numb it.

Tenderize your pain.

Soften it, until it becomes malleable.

Soothe it, until it stops crying out.

Accept it so it doesn’t rage against you.

Let it breathe and float to the surface so it doesn’t bury itself within you.

Tend to it until it loosens, softens, and melts right off of you and away from you.

How?

Pick at it, prod at it and examine it.

Look at it, acknowledge it and sit with it.

Most of all, be okay with not being okay.

Recognize that pain is simply a call back to loving yourself.

Know that at the root of any experience of pain is a reminder for us to go back to ourselves for our true source of love, healing and wholeness.

Know that pain is part of the shared human condition and experience, that no one is exempt from its experience, but remember, it is temporary.

Pain will shift as our lens shifts, it will move as our focus moves and it will decrease as our awareness and space from it increases.

Pain can be a gift.

Pain reroutes us.

Pain makes us recreate, rebirth, reevaluate, remove and reinvest in ourselves when it causes us to pivot back to ourselves.

What is it teaching you? Why is it here? What can you do?

Tenderize your pain so that your spirit and your heart stay tender, and in staying tender you will remain in love… <3

 

I remember when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were breaking up, the term “conscious uncoupling” came to light.  Conscious Uncoupling is as it sounds; a very intentional separation, a parting amicably if you will…which is interesting to me.  The concept of intentionality, purpose and care in detangling lives is definitely a far cry from my own experiences of break ups.  I’m more familiar with haphazard and abrupt endings.  But the respect and smoother transition that could come from more of a slower and thoughtful deconstruction of a relationship sounds easier and way healthier.

Last month, my husband Jason had gone to India by himself to take care of some outstanding family matters back home. Initially, I dreaded him leaving.  I dreaded being alone after becoming so accustomed to our normal (seemingly codependent!) everyday life together.  What would his absence look and feel like?  Our daily rhythm is full of shared time together – lots of morning coffees, workouts, walks, dinners together – pink and blue jobs where we divvy up household chores – we wake and sleep together…this daily rhythm is how we know each other, how we relate to each other and live together – in essence, this rhythm is how we love each other.  What would it look like I wondered to be alone?  It had been years since I had been alone, and quite frankly, I’m usually a scaredy cat on my own. (sigh)

Well despite bawling the entire way home from the airport after dropping him off – the days that followed turned out to be a HUGE SURPRISE!  What I thought would be lonely time, actually turned into beautiful time alone.  Unexpectedly, I slept well, I ate well, I relished in the alone time to journal or contentedly putz around the house.  I freely met with friends – but most of all, I had an energy that was reminiscent of my younger years (never mind eating like a teenager again by opting for cereal or oatmeal for dinners).  I felt a renewed sense of self, freedom and energy in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time.  All of this time, I had assumed that my usual tiredness, lethargy and over eating was all just a natural product of aging.  But wow, it was pretty surreal to unexpectedly come alive again in a way I didn’t see coming AT ALL.  From 44 to 22 overnight.  It was magical.  Weird, because there was a time when I was in my twenties and thirties that I loathed being alone – silly girl.

Why was it so magical? Being alone was the immediate absence of any external stresses or pressures. There was no energy I was sitting with, other than my own.  It allowed me time to really check in with myself, in a way, I’m not normally attune to.  I was able to gauge where I’m really at, and I liked it all! I liked where I was at, what I was doing, how I was being and who I’ve become.  It was probably the first time in a long time that my own company felt like enough…it felt pretty complete.

So what does this all mean now that Jason is back home?

Now before people start to read into my marriage and begin to wonder if this post ends in an Conscious Uncoupling type of situation – rest assured it doesn’t.  The opposite is actually true, the need for conscious coupling.

It means that in our daily rhythm, we failed to continue evaluating and bettering our marriage and our life together by failing to take care of ourselves first too.  We forgot to keep track of ourselves as individuals before pouring into that rhythm of “us”.  At some point in our relationship, probably early on, between our shared responsibilities, we somehow assumed or absorbed so much of each other that we let go of ourselves in the process.  Maybe that’s what happens when people come together, but is that really the best and healthiest way to last?

Our partnership has been more than just supporting each other. Somewhere down the road, our edges blurred, we melded together and started to own and take on each other’s stuff.  Investing in “us” and wanting “us” to succeed and the different ways we approach that meant some level of conforming to each other’s expectations and standards.  Conforming until we found “middle ground”, until we found some workable and happy medium, ie) our daily rhythm that seemingly felt natural as far as “we” are both concerned, but maybe not so natural to us as individuals in this coupling that we have since LONG lost sight of anyway.

Daily rhythms are sneaky – they feel normal and “easy” because we become so accustomed to them – but what a grind they can be!  Stress, perfectionism, unbalanced roles, high expectations, performance, management, constantly consulting or seeking approval…all of these things can unknowingly creep into our daily activities with just minor discomforts at first.  I’m talking about that adrenaline first thing in the morning while we try and fight traffic to get to work on time, the stress that sits as tightness between our shoulder blades, that edge in our tones when we have to remind someone to do something we thought they would have already done, that tiredness and impatience in having to manage yet another task that could have been handled by the other without direction or consultation…all the while not realizing how unnecessarily attached we are becoming to what each other’s stuff is supposed to look like – having opinions when we wouldn’t have cared before. It’s this entanglement of unconscious coupling I am talking about, haphazard ways of being together and staying together without any real critical examination of what actually works and what doesn’t anymore.

Almost eleven years later, of course we aren’t the same exact human beings we were when we came into this partnership, so how have we not adjusted our roles and daily rhythms accordingly?  Well, it’s kinda my fault.  For majority of our relationship, I’ve been a bit of a control monster, stupidly convinced that there is the “right” way of doing things; and then the way Jason does things…(gulp).  While I was alone, without much to control but my cereal intake lol, I recognized how much energy I expend unnecessarily attached to things being done a certain way, looking a certain way or turning out a certain way.  It wasn’t until I was alone that I realized that seriously – DO I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ALL OF THESE THINGS??   Not really.  I’ve spent so much time caring, planning and pouring out that I was the reason I was in energy expenditure overload and J’s absence helped me realize that.

So what’s the solution? Conscious coupling with an eye on ourselves first.  I recognize our need to create new normals, to create more space in our everyday for ourselves – to allow for more independence and freedom in expressing ourselves, being ourselves and not losing ourselves while we are together.  Then coming together from that place.  It’s hard to change such engrained and default ways of engaging in “us”; but the goal in reaching forever isn’t about just getting there, it’s about getting there being happy, content, energized, whole and intact together. <3

 

That night you left will forever be etched into my mind.
That feeling of deep loss will always be indescribable.
I can’t focus on it too long because I’m scared the reality of your loss might be unbearable too.

But I wonder, where did you go?
Did you know you were leaving? Could you hear us that last night?
Was it peace that allowed you to take that last breath and slip away?

What do we do when our loved ones leave?
Life is supposed to just go on they say.
We should be able to adjust.
God won’t give you more than you can handle, they say.

I really miss your presence.
Your absence is greater than the sum of all of our parts.
I miss the way you completed our family,
the way you filled that fourth chair at our dinner table on Wednesdays.
I miss the comfort and taken for granted security I had in knowing;
I was yours and you were mine.

I love the example of your life.
I love the way you found deep joy and purpose in the home you created.
I admire the peace and comfort you found in being at home, and find myself feeling that same way.
I love the way you decorated your life with the things you cherished the most.
And that too reminds me to do the same.

I miss the way you loved and supported me.
Who will care for me the way that you did?
Who will call me the way that you did?
Who will light up for me the way that you did?

But still, life is supposed to go on.
I should be able to adjust,
without your smile and without your warmth.
Strange that I can barely remember anything we fought about.
I barely remember your short comings.
Your humanity is what stays anchored deep down inside of me.
My mind understands it was time. I can rationalize that “why’.
I too wouldn’t want to suffer the way that you were.
But honestly, I just wasn’t ready for you to slip away.
and had you asked, I would have asked you to stay, preferably forever.

Thank God, that even though I sit here in loss, regret or words left unsaid don’t sit with me or crowd me.
There is a lot of space here for me to breathe and grieve.
Between us, it felt complete.
Because of you, I will live better, and want to mirror your charity and humanity.

I will try to pour love into those places dry and thirsty since you left.

Maybe at the end of life, all that matters is what we’ve done and who we’ve loved.
Maybe we are only judged by our own actions and deeds.
We are remembered for the imprints we leave.
So if that is the lesson, wherever you are, bloom where you are planted.
If you are a daughter, be the best daughter you can be.
Be the best wife, the best student, the best teacher, the best friend.
Be the best you can be to all of those around you,
Leave them imprinted, like you did me.
After experiencing your loss, I know there is nothing I can do BUT honour your life and legacy by honouring your life with mine.
It’s the only way I can keep you still close to me, since you’ve gone so far away.
Let me be judged by my actions and deeds.
Let me live intentionally and purposefully.
Let everyone know that I am who I am, and do all that I do because of a mother’s love…
My Mother’s Love.

<3 rest in peace my beloved.

A few years ago, a friend of mine that I met through our small group prayed for me. I don’t remember her exact words but the essence of her prayer was that I would experience the role of mothering in my life despite us not having our own children. I  remember that prayer touching me and providing me with renewed hope that yes, there could be unconventional opportunities in my life for me to care for, provide for or extend my maternal instincts …and it would be those opportunities I would seek and embrace….oh the mysteriousness of life, God and prayer….the last thing I ever expected was the way in which this prayer comes full circle now. The last thing I expected was becoming a mother to my mother.

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers a couple of years ago. Deep breath.  There, I’ve said it.  Our ‘dirty little secret’. Culturally, outside of my own friends and family, we don’t ever share the not so pretty part of our lives.  We don’t talk about our illnesses or our weaknesses.   Instead we pretend,  despite seeing people diminish around us, that everyone is coping and managing just fine. It’s a ruse….like the new generation complaint that social media is just the highlight reel of people’s lives….maybe malayalees were the original creators of the ‘highlight reel’ notion….hiding realities behind veiled excuses like “oh she’s not feeling well” or “he’s still sleeping”. It’s okay for us to swap stories of back aches or knee replacements but heaven forbid we share the burden of real painful experiences like living through mental health issues, diminished capacity or depression. But I truly believe the things we suppress or repress only make us sicker. Maybe there is healing in pulling off the bandaid and letting these experiences breathe.

What did her diagnosis mean for us?  Well, outside of creating a lot of fear around the unknown future, admittedly, it finally characterized some of her behaviours in a more understandable and digestible way…the label finally gave a name, a connecting of the dots like oooooohhhhhh THAT’S why she was saying that or doing this.  But the downside to labelling?  Well it’s like any label really, like divorce or death…once we call a fish a fish, we stop believing it will fly.

This season of life is terrifying, is exhausting, is humbling and challenging.  The irony is the rollercoaster isn’t always about my Mom.  It has been blindsiding to experience the different ways each of us process her changes and transitions, and the way our different responses and personalities collide into each other and combust.  But sure, we each have our own mental and physical capacities to see these changes, accept them, impact them and move forward with them.  Although it would make life so much easier if we could all walk at the same pace; that’s just not the reality of this experience.  So I guess, it is what it is, and the most we can do, is just what we’re able to.  Outwardly, “the most we can do” will look so different from one to another so I guess the leap of faith is not relying on appearances and trusting each other’s insides instead.

In many ways it’s an honour to care for my Mom reminiscently in ways she cared for me as a child. I was deeply touched to see her finally trust me with her vulnerabilities and come to rely on me to fill in her gaps of capacity.  But in other ways it’s crumbling to witness and participate in this role reversal. Alzeimers feels like quick sand; like the more I want to artificially create and manage life for her, the deeper she sinks into losing her own motivation or will to thrive….and the soul battle is seeking meaning in this meaningless toil.  But the trick to survival seems like doing more and feeling less, because the “feeling” or analyzing might be another deep pit of quicksand I can’t afford to get stuck in.  But of course there is a danger in doing too much and feeling too less because the things we suppress or repress only make us sicker….another full circle…so I guess what I will try to keep doing, is pulling off the bandaids, and letting these experiences breathe as I move through them. <3